The Human Pity Party

“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John Gardner

Now that I think about the state of most of human society, there is a huge pity party happening. Everyone wants to be victimized. Victim gets sympathy. A true victim deserves it. A war victim or the victim of a terror attack or a rape or personal tragedy deserves it. They deserve to ask for it. But mostly, these true victims are the people who hide the fact that they are a victim. Often they don’t want sympathy. They get angry at people who sympathize. They don’t want to be seen as weak. They don’t want to get reminded and handled with gloved hands because life handed them some lemons.

But go to the centre stage and look around for a while, most people you see will be victimizing themselves for their own sake. The Oppressed are always cared for. It’s the innate human nature to nurture the weak and sympathize with the misfortunate. But then, consciously or subconsciously, we start to take advantage of this innate human nature. There are numerous examples all around. You only just have to look close enough.

Emotional blackmail was and still is one of the most destructive weapons around which can manipulate like no other. The human society is rooted on free will now. So, if we can manipulate someone’s logical free will with emotions, then voila. You have your way. And now we have perfected a weapon to use against emotions. When it feels like all odds have been stacked against you, change your course. Throw down the weapon. Blame yourselves. Say how stupid you were to make that fight. Say how emotionally wrecked you were because somebody cheated you in the past. Say how cruel an individual you are and how you don’t deserve happiness. Mostly this fight is emotional. Like an argument between lovers, friends or family. The more articulate you get in this tirade of self pity, the more your opponent will cave to his or her human nature. It works on women even better than it works on men. That’s to do the maternal instinct and all.  And it appeals to men also with the damsel in distress thing.

I feel John Gardner is true to the last letter in the above quote. Once you start wallowing in the endless self dug pit of self pity, it’s like narcotics. You suddenly don’t feel responsible for your actions anymore. It’s like saying it’s not my fault. God and circumstances made me this way. They made me this. I am not responsible. That’s all I am capable of. World expects more of people who are capable and strong. If you advertise yourself as incapable, and if you can successfully market yourself as vulnerable, most of the world around you will start making excuses for you.  Now that becomes the perfect excuse for all your shortcomings. And whatever you achieve will be praised considering how “badly affected” you were. It is a feel good fix for your mind. Others will say you managed to do this much with all that you have been through and you will also repeat in your head, ‘See? You did well. Everything was against you but still you did well.’ It is a dosage of self glorification.

It gives momentary pleasure because suddenly you feel the weight take off your shoulders. The people are not looking at you accusingly anymore. They are sympathizing with you. They are trying to share your so called pain. They are looking into your eyes trying to find a common spot they can share with you to make you comfortable and make you feel better about yourselves.

If you have seen enough relationships around you, you might have noticed, in case of a break up it’s always the person who said the last word becomes the villain. The relationship might have been going downhill because of actions of both parties for a while. But the person who put their foot down and said “I have had enough” automatically becomes the bad guy.

In most cases, both people are rooting for the other to put their foot down. But they themselves won’t do it because; they don’t want to be the bad guy. After the break up, the victim will tell their supporters that the bad guy broke their heart. And the bad guy will either say that it was totally mutual or will say that the victim was pushing them harder and harder so that they would cave and become the bad guy. The latter is mostly always true.

Most people sympathize with these supposedly weak people. But there are some people who see through this clever act put up by the subconscious. For example, some of us have seen some good teachers who come off as harsh, pick these people up and measure them with the same standards as others. Who treat them as regular individuals and do not give in for unnecessary excuses in PT classes.

In the adult life also we get to see a lot of people who call this bluff. Good friends who see through the ‘I am nobody’ act, tough superiors who push them hard, for them to get out of the pit to talk back and fight for themselves.

Self pity is a shield to the mind. A pretty tough one at that. One which can manipulate others to working in our favour. If you threaten to hurt yourself, most people will bend to your wishes. That’s why a suicide attempt is a cry for help and that’s why a damsel in distress is still most welcoming to men.

When we pity ourselves, we only see ourselves, our problems. How life has hurt us, how other people have hurt us. Self pity makes us the centre of attraction and gives us the false satisfaction of feeling good. Self defence is in the genes of every organism which has survived. Self pity is another way of self defence and self glorification which portrays the victim letting go of all hope and wallowing in guilt and pity but actually what their subconscious is doing is building hope on the wake that this self pity plan will help make the mind feel good. And it is addictive. When your mind discovers this shortcut to feeling good, it is going to sneak in often and get a fix.

 “I don't want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.” Eckhart Tolle